Leave Britney Alone!

Today, I wore my fancy shoes, so took the metro. I forgot the wildly different way people interact on the metro from the way they interact on the bus. On the bus, it's loud, whether people are greeting each other merrily or whether they're fighting over who's baby daddy was around first. On the metro, it's quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. In fact, the more people pack in the little cars, the less likely you are to hear a peep above your own sniffling, clearing your throat, or dropping your copy of the Express (and trust me- after that hits the metro floor, I really don't want to touch it again. Seen too much vom on the metro floor in my days). So today, it was super awkward when, on a super-packed orange line train (in Arlington, go figure), this man attempted to enter the train. Seeing only the crowds at the front, he assumed that the whold rest of the car was empty and the passengers were all self-serving tourist prototypes who crowd the door when no one's taking up any seats. So he yells in this high-pitched, gerbil-like whine: "Excuse me!" (If I were a painter, I could paint that noise) I literally thought the Chris Crocker the "leave Britney alone" guy had boarded the train. Then he realized the whole train was full, felt awkward, and profusely apologized. To I think everyone there. So painful to watch.

But not as painful as the train that got slammed by Angry Dude II's hardcord gangsta leather messenger bag. AG2 was a charming pasty fellow- balding on top but fully bearded, with a pot belly that was subtle enough it just clearly belonged to a 47 year old accountant who never quite managed to find that special someone. AG2 runs the metro down, even though he sees the doors already closing and, when they, in fact, close,, ,, ,, (thought that sentence needed a few, more, commas,)he rips off his shoulder bag in all it's glory, swings as hard as he can, and pounds the door screaming, "Aw, COME ON!! You Bitch!!"
Yes.

He was right, the train was especially bitchy today.

But alas, what else would I write about today if it hadn't angered him so? So thanks, AG2.

To leave you, here are a few (mostly) context-free quotes overheard in Nowheresville, VA over the weekend:

"Well... (thoughtfully)... I don't think she has internal bleeding..." -on the state of her baby sister's hangover

"Damn... (name removed) iced me up front!)" note to reader... iced: forced to chug an entire smirnoff ice on your knees. who knew...

"I wanna be black!"

"“Can somebody please tell me what the f**k I was supposed to tap out of?”
“I just saw a grown man piss himself, voluntarily, while chugging a beer.”

“I’m gonna roll the dice. If I roll a digit, you drink.”

“Nein! Nein! Nein!”

“If you need narcotics to cure your hangover, you probably need to go see a doctor.”

"You play (sports) like an Asian."

“She useda call me late, now she call me early sayin’ she late... ‘The f**k you say?!” -DC-based rapper Wale, on finding out he was about to be a father

In a game of taboo:
Guy with the card: "It's the first thing you do when you get married..." Newlywed respondent, while sitting next to spouse: "Stop having sex!"

So yea, my weekend was chock full of literary gold. And with that, I'm off to think about why there's still spinach in my teeth from this morning.