I like you order pizza.

You would think for someone who typically rides some of the sketchier bus routes in the city, the yellow line from gallery place to King Street would seem to be a commute free of seedy dudes. No chance. On said metro route, I sat next to a heavyset middle aged man with a bald spot and a heavy Southeast Asian accent. I had my head buried in a document I was reading, but I could still see him reading over my shoulder. If I'm reading the Express? No problem. My performance evaluation from work? Not so much. I subtly tried to tilt the page away from him, but he just sticks his eyes out farther.

"You must work for the government," he tries? (great guess, buddy. but no)."Nope. nonprofit," I tried to respond dryly. Bad choice. He took my response, simple as it was, as an invitation into conversation. He asks me about my work, which I told him about- felt obligated due to the nature of my work. Then he quickly transitions into what he's really interested in... "Do you have boyfriend?" "Yes, I have boyfriend," I reply. "What does he do?" "Uh, he's an attorney." "Oh, he make good money?" "Uh, I guess." "So that's great - that means in a few years you can stop working?" "What? Uh, his job, not mine. I stil have mine." "But you won't stop working in a few years? Doesn't he want you to? I would want someone to be home- so when I get back, they're not tired like I am." Anyway, I explained to him the idea that some people get into romantic relationships because they value each other as people rather than the crap one can buy in exchange for house cleaning and regular sex. He stared at me, dumbfounded, as if he'd never heard of such a concept. It was awesome. I told him the reasons behind the feminist movement, and why many women choose to work even though their husbands have good jobs.

Finally, he looked at me and said, "I guarantee you that 90% of people don't feel the way you do." I asked him what population he was sampling, and ensured him that 90% of the people on the metro right now probably agreed with me. Since he was sitting right next to me, and the seats aren't that big and he wasn't that small... it took me some time to realize that his fingers were grazing my thigh the entire time. Gross.

Other interesting commuter quotes in the past week? "I've gotta take a leak. So don't steal my cab. Cuz if you do? (pause...) killing you would be too easy." -moustache-clad cab driver in upstate NY, told to me and three other women at 2 AM.

"Take it! Take the ride for free goddamnit, I'm not gonna argue with you, it's too early!" -DC cab driver, said while throwing my money back at me after I refused to pay a $2 charge he made up.

"Are you a virgin?" -an anonymous phone call at work to me while I was writing the first paragraph of this entry. I hung up the phone after a foreign-accented dude asked me this, following a series of non-sequitors including "I like order pizza for you" and "no. you no understand. pizza. i like order."

Bizarre. I'm not writing anymore because I'm disturbed that I could go on.

Title. Yup, that creative.

As a passenger on the D6 with my roommate this morning, I watched what could have been a perfect documentary of my own life. Lines of people dressed in dark colors marched obediently yet chaotically in front of the bus, stomping through puddles in their sensible shoes. They held an umbrella in one hand, and a styrofoam coffee cup in the other. Like drones, they sullenly walked to their respective places of employment. This crossed socio-economic lines... hardhats replaced ties, or workboots replaced pumps in some instances, but the gloomy representation of our patterned, predictable existence looked me in eye as if to mock my voluntary compliance. Women carried smaller, less effective umbrellas evident by the water spattered across them. Men carried larger umbrellas that reinforced the ridiculous gender roles into which I too often fall, my floral, pocket-sized umbrella a rude reminder.

My roommate and I sat in horror as the bus just barely missed running down a pedestrian. No matter how many times that almost happens, it's never any less terrifying. Rainy days are the worst on the bus. People stand with their umbrellas dripping on the floor, on your shoulders, and in your purse. They all smell a little worse because the water brings up whatever aromas were marinating in thier jackets or hair before and they waft across the bus. No one talks, so I have no good stories. In fact, the audio highlight of this morning was a lonely guy singing off key to his ipod and swaying a bit strangely to what was, presumably, a rhythm of sorts. A sorry story for DC bus goers accustomed to a higher caliber entertainment on their morning commute.

Leaving the bus, I laughed a bit as I opened my pretty little useless umbrella in attempt to keep, at the very least, my hair dry on the way into Caribou coffee. My morning commute is reliably hilarious, but it is less frequent that I identify myself as the object of said humor. Crossing my fingers for a dry commute back and entertaining rap lyrics or something.

What lies beyond whack

The other night, I got my fix on the X2. I waited with an elderly gentleman who walked with a cane, and shared with me an anger towards the untimeliness of the bus. He had been waiting long before I got there and, apparently, had watched too many other, non-X2 busses pass. He tells me: "Maaaan... I been waiting up in here for too long. I seen two P6s pass, and not a single X2. That is beyond whack." The X2 is beyond whack? Interesting. So I asked myself... what lies beyond whack? I was about to find out.

What lies beyond whack is a scrawny teenager whose pants actually fell down as he gets on the bus. He only looked a little embarrased after tripping over his left pant leg- not about exposing his cartoon boxers or the top of his buttocks, or about the fact that his hair was stacked a full foot high and wrapped with what may or may not have once been plus sized womens' hoisery.

What lies beyond whack is a group of people who have to get up and move to the front of the bus far in advance of their stop... the kind who push past you while the bus is moving and you're standing, causing you to squish between a pole and a random old man who is far too happy that your backside is pressed uncomfortably against his arm - totally out of your control.

What lies beyond whack is someone in a wheelchair being turned away from the bus because there are already too many wheelchairs on board.

And finally, what lies beyond whack is a drunk man who leans into you as you stand in line to board the bus, cracks up, stumbles away, lightly smacks the back of a woman's knee, cracks up again, sits down, gets up, pushes past you in line to board first, gets turned away because he doesn't want to pay, then pushes past you to leave. Cackling uncontrollably the whole time.

Thanks, X2. Til next time.