Pearls for keg stands

Over the weekend, I had my first southern college football experience in Charlottesville at the UVA/Virginia Tech game. It was a big deal, and maybe the most severe culture shock I've experienced while still in this country. In a fascinating display of hyper-masculine regalia, I witnessed some of the most unabashedly arrogant, self-centered, pretentious awesomeness I've ever seen. With the marching band, the dance team, the cheerleaders (I could learn some moves from them!), people running around with flags, and a clever, holiday-themed cartoon of how badly UVA was going to beat VT (I think it involved converting a "hokie" into a turkey, then placing it in the oven for a Thanksgiving feast), I was braced for UVA domination. Wrong. Apparently this is an age old tradition they maintain where they act like they're really good, but then lose every game. It's a thing. You wouldn't get it, you yankee.

Lost in a sea of moderately attractive white people, I had to remind myself that they were not just a bunch of the bad guys in one of those cheesy 80s teen movies (although I'm half convinced they actually were) and that it was real life. Most of you probably get the VT/UVA rivalry. It was news to me, though- blew my mind. Some of my best "overheards" came from B's facebook minifeed, as she apparently only establishes online friendships with graduates or students of fancy southern colleges where they eat their lunch off china, wear pearls to do keg stands, and serve wine and cheese instead of burgers and brew. The inside joke, if you're new to this like I am, is that UVA thinks they're smarter and "classier" than VT, and that VT people are redneckish. Or something. But check these out:

"Wine... $20. Brie... $8. Watching the 'hoos beat VT to win the coastal division? Priceless." - some dude's facebook status. An actual man. That's real. I guess this is a good place to point out that VT crushed UVA by almost 40 points. I wonder whether he issued a new status update afterward.


"Culture vs. Agriculture 2011!" - several people on facebook. Apparently, culture is a reaction that occurs when you mix racism and assorted other bigotry with bow ties and cheap white wine. Love y'all, though.


"They're gonna know you're mocking them!" -B, commenting on my choice to wear pearls along with my chucks to the game.


"I didn't know they let retards into this college." - someone's dad, with his eyes crossed. This was fun- I watched some prepubescent UVA college freshman (probably) walk backwards talking trash to a bunch of parents. He was really fired up- "You think you stand a chance? Who the f*** are you? You're no one! We played FSU! Who did you play?!" along with a bunch of other rando football stats I immediately forgot. I was laughing and almost commented on how those VT parents were showing some class by laughing it off. Then the dad crosses his eyes and starts drawling out insults that were just degrading to those with learning disabilities instead of the budding date rapists he was faced with. It was ugly.

Finally, did y'all know that the UVA president rolls in a motorcade? Yep, everything's fancy there.

I did, however, have some non-ironic fun with some legit alums of a sorority. Those gals can make sh** happen.

Alright. Now that I'm done feeling inferior for attending another school, I'm back to my packing to get to Mexico. Stay tuned- because that should be a good one...

Oh, and PS- the "good ole' app" is a real thing. I think you can pay homage to Thomas Jefferson, order a wheel of brie, vandalize a home, and pop your collar if you program your iPhone correctly.

Bacon and Gunfire.

I am sitting in my neighborhood coffee shop (yes- chucks on and laptop open. I'm laughing at myself right now. There is a neighborhood gathering at one of the tables that, based on their conversations, is a special kind of group: gathering the only white people in the neighborhood, and drinking together once a month. They're talking excitedly about community building in Northeast and having "all" the neighbors together. It's pretty great. Other redeeming factors of this otherwise noisy group? A baby at the bar (yes- there's a bar at the only coffee shop I frequent. shut up). "You brought your baby to drinking night!" "Aw, he looks so little on you!" Just some of what I've heard on this.

Other good stuff...
B (quietly): "I really wish there were bacon on this gingerbread."
Me: "I'm sorry... what?"
B (sternly): "you heard me."

E, on lessons learned in the neighborhood represented above: "Well. Since moving to northeast, I've learned that gunfire from the inside sounds like thunder, while gunfire from the outside sounds like fireworks. "

"Does anyone ever tell you that you look just like Ellen DeGeneres?" -at least three people per week, ever since I cut my hair. Yup- Ellen. Just the look I was going for. Short blonde hair and a snarky demeanor? There you are. I like to think I favor Scarlett Johanssen. Or Angelina Jolie. Nope- not even Portia... Ellen.

"There are very strict rules on that dance floor." -dude at the bar, on Remingtons, a capitol hill gay mans country western karaoke bar.


"I am SO done with the Holocaust. But it's the next book in book club." -chick at the bar. "I didn't know about book club! And they STILL haven't invited me to game night." -dude she's chatting with. Talk about some real problems!

They're the best. It's like - the drunker they get, the better!