On a facebook page following the earthquake: "That's just a warning from God about what's going to happen if you elect that a**hole again." Keep it classy, right wing, keep it classy.
Overheard on the d6:
Middle aged woman with lots of layers (early August. Non of this earthquake/chilly morning crap we've had lately), to a man sitting beside her:
"I'm scared of marriage, and I'm scared of chicken. My husband I split up years ago. I been having so much fun since then... oooeee! (shakes head self righteously) But not the wrong kind of fun... the right kind of fun. Walkin with the Lord. Jesus- he send me boyfriends now and again... and we cool til we ain't, and then I just sends 'em right back!" Good idea, lady. Just send 'em back when they ain't. These are lessons all women should learn!
Spotted on the metro: the best outfit of the year.
The culprit? A middle aged man with a thick, Eric Holder-style mustache. He sported a backwards Texans baseball cap, but the kind with the flat lid that people in rap videos wear. He also had cuffed skinny jeans, boat shoes, and a sweatshirt that portrayed Santa Clause stabbing a Thanksgiving turkey. He sat there with a rough attitude on his pursed lips, and wove a friendship bracelet on his afternoon commute. Solid outfit, overall. On a 1-10, he's a certified 20.
Overheard at a Twins game:
All American Guy 1: "Katy Perry looks like Zoey Deschanel if she were made of taffy and you stretched her face."
All American Guy 2: "Have you heard her on the Proactive Commercial? She sounds exactly like Tara Reid."
All American Guy 1: "Is Tara Reid still alive?"
That's all I've got.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
In retrospect, lime green was a tacky color choice
I received the following text message from an informant:
"OMG. Just rode the X2 down H Street with at least 20 loud cross dressers. The one sitting across from me was wearing a really short dress, and I could see a ball hanging out of his lime green panties. I could not make this up. I wish you had been there."
I wish I were there, too, informant friend. Nothing jazzes up my Tuesday evening like lime green panties.
"OMG. Just rode the X2 down H Street with at least 20 loud cross dressers. The one sitting across from me was wearing a really short dress, and I could see a ball hanging out of his lime green panties. I could not make this up. I wish you had been there."
I wish I were there, too, informant friend. Nothing jazzes up my Tuesday evening like lime green panties.
Are ya eatin' my bagel?
"C'mon, ladies, let's get moving. I gotta get goin. What, are ya eatin' my bagel back there?" -sweaty middle aged balding man in orthopaedic shoes, sweating profusely and pacing nervously at the Corner Bakery. Lesson of the day- it's always good to talk down to the people who prepare your food. This does not encourage them to spit in/drop/otherwise worsen the food you just paid for.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
5 Reasons the gym sucks
I've been nursing an IT band injury from running too much without doing any strength training. I know, O, that you told me this ahead of time, but I really do hate the gym. It took me years to go from hating running with a fiery passion to being able to stand it to legitimately enjoying it. I don't really feel like the same slow curve with the gym. That said, I've accepted it as a necessity, so decided to take the week long trial membership to a local gym that my work provided for free. Maybe I'll buckle down and get a membership.
Needless to say, I had a sour attitude going in from the start, which was not right. I should have been pumped. But I felt like an adolescent being dragged to counseling or something- sullen slouch and all. At least I had some pretty sweet gym clothes (thanks, B). Here are the following things I hated about this gym. I'll try not to identify it by name because, chances are, you're a member there, and I wouldn't want them to lose all their business because everyone suddenly realizes why it sucks so much.
1. I went to the receptionist who set up my trial pass, and she was... really overweight (not like plump or curvy or just bigger- like unhealthy). Don't get me wrong- there's nothing wrong with this, but it sort of felt like they were selling a false product. I don't like to see skinny people as chefs at my bakery- it makes me think their food probably sucks. If I were the kind of person who went to a tanning salon, I wouldn't want a pastey person like me working there. When I go to the dentist, I like that Dr. B has healthy looking teeth. You get where I'm going with this. Or, you're probably really pissed off at me. Sorry. I hate myself for this just a little, too.
2. The trainer grabs me for a consultation about my fitness goals and why I want to join a gym and how he can coax me into becoming a member for life or something. I tell him I'm thinking of joining because I'm training for a marathon, and need to prevent injuries. He asks how long the marathon is. I ask him for clarification... does he mean time-wise? Like, how long I think it will take me? He says no... he wants to know how many miles are in my marathon. Face palm. How can you work in a gym and be unfamiliar with what's probably the most well known distance in running? Everyone's token "before 30" or "before 40" item on their bucket list?
3. I went to the locker room where it took me far too long to figure out the lock I just bought and to get comfortable enough stripping down in front of a bunch of strangers. Every gym should have inspirational posters and ads and photos. The women's locker room's idea of inspiration was a perfectly eyelinered model wearing a sports bra and holding a tape measure around her waist smiling, presumably, at the reduction in number of inches. Thanks, gym X, but I can cultivate an eating disorder all on my own. I turn to fitness as ONE thing where I can think of my body as something with a purpose- something strong and capable- as something other than a receptacle for some dude's junk. Believe me, Gym X, we women struggle with self esteem all on our own. Please help us by not promoting skinny/hot as the end goal. Please promote fitness with actual inspiring posters- a woman crossing a finish line at a race, or kickboxing, or actually doing something cool.
4. It always freaks me out to see lots of people in a row on treadmills. Really, the only reason anyone should ever be on a treadmill is a). if they are participating in a scientific research study or b). if they are institutionalized and are trying to prevent muscle atrophy. The reason God/Nature/Insert your personal belief here gave us the ability to run is so we can physically get the hell out of wherever we are. Simple. The act of getting somewhere by running is the most liberating experience I know. Going through the motions and getting nowhere is just like that story of that dude in hell pushing a rock up the hill then going back down and doing it again forever. This whole floor just looked like a bunch of people who are kind of sad with their lives, and going through arbitrary, mechanical movements in this factory to ensure that their husbands/wives don't leave them /they can secure a husband/wife in the near future.
5. The selling was amateur. Everything about my face, body language, and actual language should have told the salesperson at the conclusion of the session that I have a serious fear of commitment. The only way I would EVER agree to a year long membership anywhere is if you could convince me that the entire year would be cheaper than a single month. If that's not the case, I'll take my chances with a month to month and an option of going to Gym Y if it doesn't work out. Or of not going to the gym and going to Baskin Robbins instead. Sales guy (who was, unsurprisingly the same person as anti-marathon training guy) tried to write down figures and circle them and then cross them out, visually representing which fees he would drop in exchange for my signing on for 9 months or a year or whatever. The point was that it was $49 a month, plus $200 in start up fees. But that if I signed on for a year I wouldn't have to pay start up fees. If I made that decision that day. It took him twenty minutes to explain this extremely complicated one-time offer that will certainly never happen again the next time a sort of holiday pops up.
So there you have it. 5 solid reasons this gym sucks. Maybe I'll see you there. Hopefully I'll be nice. Hopefully I'll go back there beyond today. Actually, I'm going kayaking today. So I'll skip. See you tomorrow.
Needless to say, I had a sour attitude going in from the start, which was not right. I should have been pumped. But I felt like an adolescent being dragged to counseling or something- sullen slouch and all. At least I had some pretty sweet gym clothes (thanks, B). Here are the following things I hated about this gym. I'll try not to identify it by name because, chances are, you're a member there, and I wouldn't want them to lose all their business because everyone suddenly realizes why it sucks so much.
1. I went to the receptionist who set up my trial pass, and she was... really overweight (not like plump or curvy or just bigger- like unhealthy). Don't get me wrong- there's nothing wrong with this, but it sort of felt like they were selling a false product. I don't like to see skinny people as chefs at my bakery- it makes me think their food probably sucks. If I were the kind of person who went to a tanning salon, I wouldn't want a pastey person like me working there. When I go to the dentist, I like that Dr. B has healthy looking teeth. You get where I'm going with this. Or, you're probably really pissed off at me. Sorry. I hate myself for this just a little, too.
2. The trainer grabs me for a consultation about my fitness goals and why I want to join a gym and how he can coax me into becoming a member for life or something. I tell him I'm thinking of joining because I'm training for a marathon, and need to prevent injuries. He asks how long the marathon is. I ask him for clarification... does he mean time-wise? Like, how long I think it will take me? He says no... he wants to know how many miles are in my marathon. Face palm. How can you work in a gym and be unfamiliar with what's probably the most well known distance in running? Everyone's token "before 30" or "before 40" item on their bucket list?
3. I went to the locker room where it took me far too long to figure out the lock I just bought and to get comfortable enough stripping down in front of a bunch of strangers. Every gym should have inspirational posters and ads and photos. The women's locker room's idea of inspiration was a perfectly eyelinered model wearing a sports bra and holding a tape measure around her waist smiling, presumably, at the reduction in number of inches. Thanks, gym X, but I can cultivate an eating disorder all on my own. I turn to fitness as ONE thing where I can think of my body as something with a purpose- something strong and capable- as something other than a receptacle for some dude's junk. Believe me, Gym X, we women struggle with self esteem all on our own. Please help us by not promoting skinny/hot as the end goal. Please promote fitness with actual inspiring posters- a woman crossing a finish line at a race, or kickboxing, or actually doing something cool.
4. It always freaks me out to see lots of people in a row on treadmills. Really, the only reason anyone should ever be on a treadmill is a). if they are participating in a scientific research study or b). if they are institutionalized and are trying to prevent muscle atrophy. The reason God/Nature/Insert your personal belief here gave us the ability to run is so we can physically get the hell out of wherever we are. Simple. The act of getting somewhere by running is the most liberating experience I know. Going through the motions and getting nowhere is just like that story of that dude in hell pushing a rock up the hill then going back down and doing it again forever. This whole floor just looked like a bunch of people who are kind of sad with their lives, and going through arbitrary, mechanical movements in this factory to ensure that their husbands/wives don't leave them /they can secure a husband/wife in the near future.
5. The selling was amateur. Everything about my face, body language, and actual language should have told the salesperson at the conclusion of the session that I have a serious fear of commitment. The only way I would EVER agree to a year long membership anywhere is if you could convince me that the entire year would be cheaper than a single month. If that's not the case, I'll take my chances with a month to month and an option of going to Gym Y if it doesn't work out. Or of not going to the gym and going to Baskin Robbins instead. Sales guy (who was, unsurprisingly the same person as anti-marathon training guy) tried to write down figures and circle them and then cross them out, visually representing which fees he would drop in exchange for my signing on for 9 months or a year or whatever. The point was that it was $49 a month, plus $200 in start up fees. But that if I signed on for a year I wouldn't have to pay start up fees. If I made that decision that day. It took him twenty minutes to explain this extremely complicated one-time offer that will certainly never happen again the next time a sort of holiday pops up.
So there you have it. 5 solid reasons this gym sucks. Maybe I'll see you there. Hopefully I'll be nice. Hopefully I'll go back there beyond today. Actually, I'm going kayaking today. So I'll skip. See you tomorrow.
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