I wish dudes used these pick up lines on me..

Overheard in Dupont Circle, random man to a woman (relationship unknown): "C'mon, what do you say we go home, eat some chocolate, and make a baby?!" The Big Hunt is an awesome bar to pick randos up. Honestly.. I gave up all sweets for lent. With my chocolate addiction and current withdrawals, that line may have worked on me. Maybe. Instead, I'm stuck with "You know you totally want to make out with me." Yea, thanks, Little Miss Whiskey's. You always send me these gems.

Seen on the metro in Madrid...

A snippet from my little sister:

A non-Spanish couple, whispering sweet nothings into each others' ears, but nothing I could understand. I knew it was romance when she took an oil blotting sheet out of her bag and began to dab the grease from his nose, showing him the sheet afterwards.

They then saw a child going for an open seat, and raced said child. They won, so the kid's father had to stand. But at least they had their seat gosh darnit.

In the next five minutes, she discovered her sweety's wallet on the floor of the metro and proceeded to pick it up, wave it around, and yell at him. Just in case you weren't already sure they'd be good to rob. Sigh. Foreigners.

God is not a Ginger.

This morning's 8:55 D6 didn't come. It was thrilling, waiting for the bus in the pouring rain, on a day that should, in all fairness, result in life being temporarily canceled in lieu of whiskey and poetry and Chopin. It was more than thrilling watching the 8:55 bus roll by at 9:10 with a "No Service" banner across the front, mocking the crowd of sullen faces under umbrellas. Finally, at 9:23, I dragged my soggy boots and stupidly suede bag onto the bus, scoring a window seat by my hygienically inoffensive roommate (don't worry, K- you have lots of other good qualities, too). It read like a typical D6- ties and sensible pumps and open umbrellas and environmentally responsible thermoses and a spattering of Ed Hardy. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a "Hello everyone, how's everybody doin this beautiful day?!" in a tone I was certain belonged to Sandra "Queen" Noble, former candidate for the US House of Representatives (don't know her? Check it out here):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHikkT44CtQ&tracker=False.

Seriously, it is easily the best youtube video I've ever seen. Sadly, when I saw her face, it was not the Queen herself, just your average D6 bus buddy. Fortunately, her morning monologue went something like this:

"Hey bus driver, can you tell me what bus I was on yesterday? I can't remember. I need to go all the way up Northwest. What bus I take up there? You know, this young man put a curse on me when I was little. He stared at me and put a curse on me. I don't know why. I don't know why he'd be that mean. Can somebody please tell me, who is it who know how to get to heaven, pull them angels down so they follow me around with the White Snake Lady? That lady she be looking all half snake and white and sh*t. Somebody tell me... who those people are. Hey you- sir (points to a friendly looking bearded ginger on the bus wrapped up in his kindle)- didn't I see you awhile back? Yea. When I was there... you was sitting in the throne, sayin you was God. Is you God?"

I was with her on the Snake Lady piece, but then she lost me. Sorry, lady- God is not a Ginger. He's just not. Ginger in question- my apologies if you ever read this blog, but you know it's true. Anyway, I think she may have called someone else out on being White Snake Lady, but I wasn't sure. She also taught me sign language (I'm not really sure if it was legit since I don't know any sign language). She taught me to make the letters 'C' and 'A,' saying that since I knew those, I knew enough to tell someone I liked them. I wonder what kind of lines you have to read between - or what order or repetition of those letters signals "I'm into you" - for them to have a decipherable meaning? I haven't been this confused since what's-his-face told us all there's a universal sign for "I want to have gay sex with you" that involves a wide stance in a bathroom stall. I'm now very aware of my own stance, afraid that I am inadvertently suggesting to the person next to me that I am actually a man and that I would like to engage in quiet, anonymous, passionate, politically dangerous sex with another man. This blog post is going nowhere good, much like today's weather, which prompted this religiously charged, though-provoking piece here.

Seen in my minifeed

That's right, facebook followers... I'm calling you out.

Honestly I just thought this was sweet...(name removed) "bought a new tea kettle to replace the one I managed to set on fire somehow. This makes me happier than it should. Ps; I swear we aren’t gay." Note to Overheard reader... these are both men, if you didn't gather that....

I don't think this needs an introduction..."Don't mess with a black mans chicken!"

I felt like this is some sort of euphamism..."I love my milkman, and the fact that I can just email him the night before to tell him what I want in my milk box on our delivery day."

You's lookin' thicker.

The following uncomfortable interaction took place outside my workplace. This Romeo? A homeless man who is a regular on my old bus route... so I've "known" him for months.

Romeo: "Good to see you! You lookin good like always."
Me: "Thanks."
R: "I can tell you been hittin up dem restaurants."
Me: ~gulp~ "Err... excuse me?"
R: "Ya know, now that you're doin all good at your job... I can tell. It looks good. You're fillin' out real good."
Me: ~blushes uncomfortably~ "Geez, those are things you should just never say to a woman, dude, for real."
R: "No, I mean it look real good. I'm sure you're husband tell you that all the time. I'm sure he lovin' that you have a nice fat face now."
Me: ~actually have my feelings hurt now~ "Geez, maybe that's why I still don't have one! Go easy on me, man... it's just a couple of pounds..."
R: "Na, I can tell. Looks so much better. When I first met you on the bus, you was like little. Like tiny. Now (sleezily checks me out)- you's lookin thicker."
Me: "Alright, well thanks for that self esteem check buddy. See you next week- and good luck on your date tonight."

I hope he knew better on his date that night. That really happened. The best part? My co-worker trying as hard as she could not to listen or notice. She was definitely even more uncomfortable than I was with the situation. Another favorite? My sister's getting married this month. I told her I was concerned about fitting into my dress after that conversation since I'd apparently put on some weight. My mother says to me, "Oh don't worry about that. The last time I saw you, I thought you needed to eat a steak. Order a normal size instead of a micro." That's what family's for, I suppose. This weekend, I did what any normal person would do, and ran until my knees gave out, starved for exactly eight hours, and then polished off half a pint of ice cream. It was awesome, and all brought about by sweet Romeo's ability to fixate on every detail of my body. Didn't bother me at all. Not a little. Never. Yea.