How hard is it to conjugate the verb "to be?"

So far today?

"I've been married twice. That shit don't work."

"Girl, you know how sexy you be. And yo' daughter look just like you."

Know the law in your state.

The 92 delivered this morning. After an episode of pre-thuggery on the x2 watching middle schoolers bicker on the way to school, I was lucky enough to observe the following conversation among post-thug adults...

The players: a man and a woman, presumably acquainted, maybe family, but not. Roughly in their late 40's or early 50's. They are sharing a cell phone. Enter a younger woman, presumably unacquainted with either of them.

Man (on the phone): Man- I ain't got no kids. My kids is grown. Only one I'm babysittin is me. Man, you crazy? That's her baby. No I ain't gettin murried. I ain't never gettin married.

Female Companion: She good enough to live with, she's good enough to marry. Mm hmm. That's what I told my man. And you know what that n***ga done? (purses lips, plants right hand on hip, and proudly flaunts the engagement/wedding band on her left hand). Us females, we got to. Else they milk you like a cow. MOOOOOOOOO!! (mime the milking of a cow motion with really big eyes).

Younger woman: Watcha got to do is to milk them. If you gon' live with them, you better know the law in your state. That's all I'm sayin. Know the law in your state. Know it guurl. Cause you know he gon' take half of what's yours. I know that much.

Too bad I had to get off the bus here. That conversation was going somewhere awesome. Happy Friday, everyone.

Perfection

On the X2:

Small child: "Ma, you tried to knock out my tooth."
Mother: "Well... it was loose, ain't it?"

Later that day: "I'm a perfectionist, Ok? I do it perfect or I don't do it at all. I like things to look gooood." - spoken by a two-toothed, cursing, possibly addicted woman speaking of her skills as a cosmetologist.
In that same conversation: "I don't get paid to fight, so I don't fight. I like to travel, though."

Religion and Gettin' It

"'Cause you see... Jesus... he can change things into, like, other things."
- said to a woman who was totally sold on his powerful musings.

"How a n**ga not gonna want to hit that?"
-Said by a woman, presumably talking about herself

Tellin' it like it is.

"If you wanna see me, I'm like a f**kin' doctor. You gots to make an appointment."

Overheard at the homeless shelter...

"Bitch, I'm a doctor. They just ain't build my office yet. I don't neeeed no job."

Swipe it like a credit card!

I rode the 92 yesterday with two friendly homeless women who offered their take on a certain woman who walked down H Street... "skinny, but with a big ol' butt," as they described her. Apparently, a man grabbed her ass (without her permission, unsurprisingly), and she was angry (also, unsurprising). But the poetry that was used to tell that tale! "Damn! He swiped his hand across that ass. Swiped the whole thing. Just swiped it like a credit card!" "Yep. I guess he couldn't help hisself it was all out there." "Maybe if he would've asked her, she would have let him." "Swiped it like a credit card, gurrrl!"

I sat beside them with my perma-smirk that allows me to silently soak up such a scene. The guys behind me yelled out the bus window at a passerby: "Damn gurrrrl! Look at that ass. I'd like to handle that ass. Mmm mmm." So apparently it was the day for the glutes. Glad I worked mine at the gym earlier - this way, I can be sure to draw positive commentary.

CP- I'm waiting for the tale of your Muslim conversion to publish.

Introducing.... THE ANGRIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD!!

This woman was somewhere between the ages of 48 and 78 (depending on the length and intensity of crack and cigarette addictions), hunched over, and wrapped in a sweet little shawl riding the 32 bus into Anacostia. She shared the story of her bad morning with three different people who were lucky enough to sit next to her on the journey into SE.

I sat in the seat across the aisle, next to a serious looking woman with her face buried in a Bible, presumably trying to cleanse her soul of the profanity being injected pretty much directly in it from the titular angry woman. Behind me was a 10 year old boy yelling at his classmate: "B, I'mma sue you! I'mma take you for every penny you got! You know I'mma sue you." Across from him was the omnipresent militant Muslim touting racist Biblical phrases that I'm pretty sure aren't actually in the Bible... "The Lord said, the white man will be the least..." (Really, dude, where did it say that?!).

The woman's terrible morning went something like this: "I woke up, n**ga gave me coffee with no cream and sugar. Shit. That some bullshit. Every day is same shit, different day. Different day, same shit. Black coffee give me indigestion. And I know that shit, and I still do it. I shouldn'ta drank that shit. Bullshit. Now I don't feel good. Shit. Man, you know that bitch had her car right in the bus lane! She thought she was gonna hit me with that shit? Shit. She don' know how who she be fuckin with. I just wanna know what made her that stupid that she gon' be in a bus lane. She think her car can just jump up through a bus? Shit. I couldn't believe that shit."

I'll stop here and let you read the abridged version. Presumably, there is a segue between the indigestion incident and the near car accident, but I didn't catch it. I also didn't type the word "shit" nearly enough times to do her glorious diatribe justice, and for that I apologize.

Stay tuned for my co-worker's accounts of her unintentional conversion to Islam, and rebirth as a virgin on the 34. Shit.